Santa Claus: our favorite lap to sit on; the only man we trust to hold our drink; the original sugar daddy. The jolly man is everywhere this time of year — holiday mugs, wrapping paper, the silver screen — and we’re not complaining. Santa’s the ultimate crowd-pleaser. He breaks through generation and language barriers, knows the right brand of ChapStick to slip in our stocking, and has the coolest pets ever. Sometimes, he’s young. Sometimes, he’s fit. Sometimes, he’s strapped. Either way, the colder it gets, the more we’re craving Mr. Claus’s warm embrace and gorgeous facial hair.
Maybe it’s the magic, maybe it’s the sack, but we’ve had a revelation this holiday season: Santa’s got it going on. A successful businessman who knows how to stay up all night? And he’s good with kids? Santa might just be a sex icon.
We dug through our Christmas-movie archive to find the sexiest Santas in all your favorite holiday classics. From sensitive Santas to jacked Santas to murderous Santas, there is sure to be someone to jingle your bells.
Scott Calvin (The Santa Clause 2)
Okay, hear me out … Scott Calvin has his moments. Particularly in the second movie (which is infinitely better than the first), The Santa Clause 2, when he’s making moves on a potential Mrs. Claus, Carol, his son’s uptight principal. He wears a white turtleneck and magics a snowy carriage ride to her office party and gifts her the doll she always wanted as a child. It’s all very romantic. Possibly even swoon-worthy. When he’s not running his mouth and/or acting like an actual child, Scott Calvin’s boldness is kinda hot.
Willie Soke (Bad Santa)
Willie might be a bit of a project, but man, if you can’t appreciate his salt-and-pepper beard and drunken smolder, then you’re missing out. He might be the Santa from purgatory, but he’s got a soft spot for bullied children, and that makes his flaws seem a little softer. We can fix him! And if we can’t … well, maybe he’ll steal us something pretty.
Yes, he’s not Santa. But he’s Santa’s murderous helper, and that’s close enough. Maybe it’s a bit Sally Hawkins in Shape of Water to say this, but the scene where Krampus caresses Omi’s face is weirdly sensual, okay? Sometimes, you just want to be touched. And YouTube commenter Matt Avery makes a valid point: “With a tongue like that Krampus must have a beautiful wife!”
Jack Frost (The Santa Clause 3)
After Clifford, we never thought we could find Martin Short sexy, but there’s something about his conniving smirk as Jack Frost in The Santa Clause 3 that makes us feel things. Maybe it’s just the adrenaline rush of seeing a villain unbothered, moisturized, happy, in his lane, focused, flourishing. Maybe it’s the wig. Whatever the case, Jack Frost has that special something. And it’s not frostbite.
Santa Claus (Elf)
Santa in Elf is kinda your basic jolly old fella. Nice. Unassuming. Perhaps a little dumb (or even downright malicious), seeing as he accidentally kidnapped a child and just decided to raise him as an elf instead of bringing him back to the human world (free child labor!). However, he reveals a new, valiant side to him when his sleigh crashes in Central Park and he interrogates Buddy, thinking he’s one of the Central Park rangers. All of a sudden, he’s all, “Back off, slick!” while brandishing some sort of wrench and it’s kinda … hot? Hmmm. We can psychoanalyze that one later.
Santa Claus (Miracle on 34th Street)
This Santa may be working a side hustle as a department-store Santa, with all the polyester and child germs that entails, but he’s mysterious — and that’s definitely hot. He also knows sign language!! Who cares that he’s probably working his elves to death while he moseys around in Cole’s Department Store? He’s got the twinkle in his eye, he’s got those cute li’l glasses! He’s making the children believe. And he can hold his own against a drunk guy!
Grandsanta (Arthur Christmas)
So, yeah, he’s 136. But he’s also a rebel. And funny!!! His opposition to technology is very Ron Swanson, and that’s sexy. You just know that in his prime, he was getting all the ladies’ digits. Even now, he’s probably scoring more than his son. I mean, just account for his agility! Grandsanta, you can take us on your ancient sleigh anyday.
Blake Thorne (Santa With Muscles)
Blake Thorne is sort of a douche, but he’s also the most chiseled Santa we’ve ever seen. And he’s got that porn-star mustache that’s very in right now. On top of all that, he rescues a bunch of orphaned children and gives them a home. Money, empathy, muscles. That’s hot.
A female Santa! Anna Kendrick is a hot lady (have you seen her in Pitch Perfect?!). As Santa, she’s downright adorable. The vests! The pout! The trying-to-be-a-normal-human-and-failing! Maybe she’s too angelic as Noelle to be sexy, but it’s always the ones you least expect. All we’re saying is don’t be deceived by her color coordination. Noelle knows how to have fun.
Ty (A Bad Moms Christmas)
What a sweet, little firefighter turned stripper Santa. (Okay, not so little …) Ty is both aesthetically pleasing and looking for a serious relationship. Yes, it’s possible! Not only do you know he’ll be a fun guy to bring to the club, he also can do a candlelight dinner. Best of both worlds.
Santa Claus (Polar Express)
This man unlocked something in us. We thought it was the Good Ol’ Christmas Spirit, but on second thought, maybe it was a sexual awakening. First of all, his complexion is stunning. What moisturizer does he use? And his curls. Those are the most majestic curls we’ve ever laid eyes upon. And then, you hear him talk … good grief. Tom Hanks has never read as particularly sexy, but something about the tenor of his voice in this movie has us reeling. We want the first gift of Christmas.
Santa Claus (Christmas Chronicles)
When we heard this is the Santa that fucks, we didn’t really believe it. Then, we watched this movie and now we get it. This man is a little moody, a little bit of a smart-ass, and we’re here for it, because you know what? The man can perform. He sings “Santa’s Back in Town” in a freaking jail cell, and suddenly it’s the sexiest Christmas song we have ever heard. He’s got game. Also, the highlights in that beard are pretty delicious.
North (Rise of the Guardians)
Even the young’uns can recognize that this Santa has sex appeal. With a fiery combination of Naughty/Nice tattoos, rings, and a sexy accent, North is basically just a Santa lover’s wet dream. Besides the rugged aesthetic appeal, North is full of wonder. He says so himself. We love a man who is imaginative! And he’s a pretty great mentor on top of it all.
Santa Claus (Violent Night)
Everyone’s favorite DILF is here to slay. Literally. David Harbour playing Santa as an action hero is so sexy it might melt your candy cane. Not only is his violence warranted (he’s protecting a child and her rich family!), but he delivers a few classic Santa catchphrases in between maneuvers that somehow sound cool. Santa Claus IS coming to town.
This man is everything we could ever want: intimidating to strangers, secretly sweet with children, and really good with his hands. He’s also beautiful. Look at that gorgeous beard. Look at those intense eyes. Look at that somehow sexy caveman outfit. Finally, he’s hella loyal. We know if we die, he’s grieving us for the rest of his life. That’s hot. Klaus is the man for us. Klaus is it. If we saw Klaus approaching us in a field at dawn, we would drop to our knees and propose right there.