Spice of Death

Salmonella strain linked to jalapeno peppers in Texas.

Why It's A Sign

Nacho, flavored potato chip, and family restaurant “popper” consumption drops. Americans’ waistlines shrink, causing a “wind tunnel” effect between them, particularly in the Midwest. Rash of tornadoes rips open countless wormholes to and from Oz.

What To Expect

Endless inter-dimensional civil war, as their raiding parties come to take our hearts, brains, and balls – and ours, their cheap, tiny labor.

Why That's Great News

Winged monkeys are so much cheaper than flying this summer.

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