Starbucks announces it will close 600 stores.

Why It's A Sign

Rainforests wiped out by sudden absence of 20% recycled cup sleeves and “Tropical Sounds” CDs for sale at cash register.

What To Expect

Uncaffeinated and now lacking a neutral place for Internet dates, world becomes filled with non-reproducing zombies.

Why That's Great News

With millions of people suddenly in possession of ‘the price of a cup of coffee,’ it’s finally possible to save the children.

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