Starbucks announces it will close 600 stores.

Rainforests wiped out by sudden absence of 20% recycled cup sleeves and “Tropical Sounds” CDs for sale at cash register.

Uncaffeinated and now lacking a neutral place for Internet dates, world becomes filled with non-reproducing zombies.

With millions of people suddenly in possession of ‘the price of a cup of coffee,’ it’s finally possible to save the children.