Island Fever

Barack Obama defeats Hillary Clinton in the Democratic caucus on the Pacific island of Guam.

Why It's A Sign

1. Obama won by seven votes, each of which – in accordance with standard voting protocol – was sealed. Seven seals….hello? 2. Guam yields eight delegates, but each of them only gets half a vote. In other words, an army of eight satyrs, centaurs, or minotaurs is on the march.

What To Expect

Long-dormant Pacific volcano deity (and self-described “Obama Goddess”) Pele will celebrate the vote for Hawaiian-born Obama by unleashing a massive cloud of half-black, half-white ash to cover the world.

Why That's Great News

A permanent cloud canopy over the earth will bring a permanent end to global warming, skin cancer, and meteorologists.

Read More Signs of the Coming Apocalypse