Teenage Wasteland

According to a new study, US teens are having less sex, doing fewer drugs and smoking fewer cigarettes than those who grew up in the 1990s.

Why It's A Sign

Move over, polar bears and ice caps. Global warming is out of control and has a new victim: teen coolness.

What To Expect

With no topics left for Hollywood movies to be made about and no need for them to sneak around, teens spend nearly all free time at home, generating unsustainable demand on the nation's bathrooms. Ensuing drought further hastens global desertification.

Why That's Great News

As has been documented, the desert provides not only anonymity, but also a near-total absence of pain-inflicters.

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