Shell Shock

Chicago resident Patrick Bertoletti wins the Acme World Oyster Eating Championship by consuming a record 35 dozen bivalves.

Why It's A Sign

Moments after the contest, Bertoletti was spotted puking his guts out, and vowing to God that he'd "never eat an oyster again!" It turns out this was the final false vow from humanity that it took to break the Deity's back.

What To Expect

A 40-day deluge of raw seafood that will flood the earth. Those not instantly suffocated by sashimi will soon fall victim to salmonella. Jews are at all-time risk of exposure to treyf.

Why That's Great News

This worldwide "all you can eat buffet" will bring cats out in droves, enabling "cat people" to muster an army of them. All they have to do is figure out how to herd them.

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