Cookie Monstrosity

A Detroit girl sells 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, believed to be a national record.

Why It's A Sign

173,280 Samoas. 190,000 Samoans. Never has the grated-coconut-cookie/gentle-islander ratio been terrifyingly closer to 1.

What To Expect

A worldwide coconut shortage, driving up the price of suntan lotion and hula bras so unaffordably high, an epidemic of skin cancer will spread across the world

Why That's Great News

Only able to venture outside once the sun has set, humanity will finally rise up and wrest the night back from “lovers.”

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